I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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