Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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