watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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