I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Congratulations! We have a period
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