Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
God, I missed his penis.
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