I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
