i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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