just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
