The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
