Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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