I think my vagina is haunted
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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