he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
