i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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