Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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