I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
