So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
