It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
