plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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