took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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