I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
