She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize