i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
