Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
