im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
