Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
