i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
