I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize