You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
