there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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