Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
