..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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