the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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