I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
