You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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