My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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