please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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