Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
