I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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