i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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