Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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