I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My breasts were aching with rage.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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