So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
