I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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