Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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