So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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