Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
