you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
smell my finger.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize