I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize