Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
