Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize