Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
