He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
