i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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