Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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