I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
