They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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