I wanna bring you to show and tell
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There r osticjed everywhere
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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