I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
