My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
