yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
