my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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