My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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