woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
All I want is dick and wine.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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